Faith.

2012-01-02T23:24:00.000+08:00

feeling quiet tonight.

Lea Michelle - Auld Lang Syne

Osama bin Laden is dead, Obama Speech at White House

2011-05-03T23:54:00.000+08:00

COME MAKE PINK DOT: 18 JUNE 2011!

2011-05-03T23:33:00.000+08:00

2011-04-28T23:54:00.000+08:00

this is self-explanatory. we do rub shoulders, and we do have disagreements. but we've never stopped loving each other. and i almost cannot imagine us ever not loving each other anymore. this friendship, its marked; 11 years and counting. maybe we don't even have to count anymore, if you get what i mean.

this trip we made, our friendships' surely deepened. we let down our guards and presented to each other the most raw and real sides of ourselves. the monstrous eating, the burping and farting in each others' faces, the sprawling across the bed in a linen bag, the puking and cleaning the puke, the laying in bed half naked or the discussion of unequal boob size because we know we wouldn't judge each other.

we were made for each other.

very random i know, but i need to share this: cats sun-bathing. hahahaha,

my xiao guas who keep me busy with all the checking on their food dispenser and attempting to lure them with food to keep them in when i go to work, the running after them to peel toilet paper off their paws and then realising stunningly in the night that they've bitten through the new pack of toilet rolls and have been having a blast tearing the rolls apart, the trying to outrun them when they spot an insect or if i dont, then the having to dispose the insect after. but they make me smile everyday. :)

2011-04-10T13:20:00.000+08:00

every bonus, an amigo will treat the rest of the amigos to a meal.
and after close to 11 years, a saturday meet up with the amigos is still what keeps me going for the week.
i still get very excited meeting them.
we still park downstairs and talk endlessly at the end of every night.

they still love me despite knowing how much i hate bathing, and how often i suggest that we all not bathe.

and i used to think 'forever' behind any word was cheesy.
maybe forever isn't enough anymore.

2011-04-08T02:31:00.000+08:00

pink dot 2009.

the gender, is really just secondary. if only people could believe in "it so happens".

2011-03-09T02:15:00.000+08:00

Happiness is a form of courage.

Ellen, Portia, and their mums.

2011-03-01T10:13:00.000+08:00

my kitty paws have really captured me.

Watching them curl up, stretch, drink water from the alter, pee in the sink, hide from vacuuming, travelling around with the toy spider in their mouth, whine when they don't get what they want - it always makes my day.

They make me look forward to coming home now. :)

2011-02-21T03:37:00.000+08:00

United Network for Organ Sharing (UNOS):

Transplant Trends
Waiting list candidates as of today 2:03pm	110,437
Active waiting list candidates as of today 2:03pm	72,298
Transplants January - November 2010	26,218
Donors January - November 2010	13,252

Active Candidate

A transplant candidate eligible to be considered for organ offers at a given point in time. Some transplant candidates are temporarily classified as “inactive” by their transplant center because they are medically unsuitable for transplantation or need to complete other eligibility requirements.

2011-01-20T03:59:00.000+08:00

actually,
actually...
actually,

i get you a gift every christmas, i just don't know how to place it or squeesh it at your door.

last year, i just dumped last last year's. this year, i'll dump last year's. maybe i know how to place them at your door, maybe i just cannot bear walking down that stretch of corridor, maybe i just cannot bear seeing that door, or maybe i just cannot bear knowing i'm 4cm thick, and at most 2 metres away from you, yet actually a thousand thousand thousand aeons far from you.

every march, i start planning the gift to get for july. every july, i wait for the 17th. but every 16th, i dread the 17th, and every 17th, i wonder if i'd fall asleep peaceful that night. and every 18th, i wake up realising i've been day-dreaming and fat-hoping yet again, wondering if i should think of the next july 17th even, at all, again.

but somehow,
somehow...
somehow,

it just doesn't get outta my head.

Gareth Gates - Say It Isn't So

2011-01-20T02:32:00.000+08:00

so, whenever my patients press the call bell in the middle of the night to ask for change of diapers because they poo-ed, i always say:"oh okok, hold on arh.." wondering/semi-complaining in my head about why people poop and not sleep in the night.

now, at 0231 hrs, i just pooped big time;

i.e. i just lost my right to complain or ever wonder about it again.

YES WE CAN - New Approaches - Entertainment - EMMY WINNER

2011-01-20T01:51:00.000+08:00

why i would have voted for him too.

"I want to congratulate Senator Clinton on a hard-fought victory here in New Hampshire.

A few weeks ago, no one imagined that we'd have accomplished what we did here tonight. For most of this campaign, we were far behind, and we always knew our climb would be steep.

But in record numbers, you came out and spoke up for change. And with your voices and your votes, you made it clear that at this moment - in this election - there is something happening in America.

There is something happening when men and women in Des Moines and Davenport; in Lebanon and Concord come out in the snows of January to wait in lines that stretch block after block because they believe in what this country can be.

There is something happening when Americans who are young in age and in spirit - who have never before participated in politics - turn out in numbers we've never seen because they know in their hearts that this time must be different.

There is something happening when people vote not just for the party they belong to but the hopes they hold in common - that whether we are rich or poor; black or white; Latino or Asian; whether we hail from Iowa or New Hampshire, Nevada or South Carolina, we are ready to take this country in a fundamentally new direction. That is what's happening in America right now. Change is what's happening in America.

You can be the new majority who can lead this nation out of a long political darkness - Democrats, Independents and Republicans who are tired of the division and distraction that has clouded Washington; who know that we can disagree without being disagreeable; who understand that if we mobilize our voices to challenge the money and influence that's stood in our way and challenge ourselves to reach for something better, there's no problem we can't solve - no destiny we cannot fulfill.

Our new American majority can end the outrage of unaffordable, unavailable health care in our time. We can bring doctors and patients; workers and businesses, Democrats and Republicans together; and we can tell the drug and insurance industry that while they'll get a seat at the table, they don't get to buy every chair. Not this time. Not now.

Our new majority can end the tax breaks for corporations that ship our jobs overseas and put a middle-class tax cut into the pockets of the working Americans who deserve it.

We can stop sending our children to schools with corridors of shame and start putting them on a pathway to success. We can stop talking about how great teachers are and start rewarding them for their greatness. We can do this with our new majority.

We can harness the ingenuity of farmers and scientists; citizens and entrepreneurs to free this nation from the tyranny of oil and save our planet from a point of no return.

And when I am President, we will end this war in Iraq and bring our troops home; we will finish the job against al Qaeda in Afghanistan; we will care for our veterans; we will restore our moral standing in the world; and we will never use 9/11 as a way to scare up votes, because it is not a tactic to win an election, it is a challenge that should unite America and the world against the common threats of the twenty-first century: terrorism and nuclear weapons; climate change and poverty; genocide and disease.

All of the candidates in this race share these goals. All have good ideas. And all are patriots who serve this country honorably.

But the reason our campaign has always been different is because it's not just about what I will do as President, it's also about what you, the people who love this country, can do to change it.

That's why tonight belongs to you. It belongs to the organizers and the volunteers and the staff who believed in our improbable journey and rallied so many others to join.

We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can withstand the power of millions of voices calling for change.We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics who will only grow louder and more dissonant in the weeks to come. We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope. For when we have faced down impossible odds; when we've been told that we're not ready, or that we shouldn't try, or that we can't, generations of Americans have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people.

Yes we can.

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.

Yes we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom through the darkest of nights.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballot; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality. Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity. Yes we can heal this nation. Yes we can repair this world. Yes we can.

And so tomorrow, as we take this campaign South and West; as we learn that the struggles of the textile worker in Spartanburg are not so different than the plight of the dishwasher in Las Vegas; that the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in America's story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea - Yes. We. Can."

Reference: BarackObama.com

2011-01-04T01:16:00.000+08:00

i have approximately... another 1700 more words to go. and it should be due in about 24 hours time or so?

give me an abstract word for a topic and i'd churn a paper out in less than a day. but not on nursing documentation VS negligence please. i mean i've got lots to say about it (considering a large amount of lack of documentation has gotten me into quite abit of trouble since i joined) but i really don't know how to put it into words phrased and para-phrased with in-text citations and quotes from this textbook or that article.

cries: "DROP AN OXYGEN FLOW-METER ON MY TOES PLEASSSSSE." urm then again, i dont wanna not be able to run.

on top of this not wanting to complete this article that would be due faster than a pimple would, i am feeling like a hormone-crazy woman tonight. i am flushed, nauseating, regurgitating and pee-ing every hourly. and i think, its my big aunty's visit. very very timely thank you. >:(

SIGH! help me to focussssssss!!!

2010-12-30T01:18:00.000+08:00

Victoria Secrets Fashion Show 2010!

its my first VS fashion show, and i think imma tune in for every future VS show already!

models and show arrangements aside, the undergarments are really awesome! the checked series especially. gosh!

2010-12-23T19:49:00.000+08:00

my cats just finished a good dinner that consisted a mix canned salmons and dry food; a weekly reward for allowing us to bathe them.

then i saw them ambushing and attempting to pounce on each other. i naturally called out: "aye! its not healthy to run after eating hor!"

well actually, i'm not sure if that applies to animals at all leh. i treat them like little human girls! haha :)

2010-12-23T18:39:00.004+08:00

2010-12-23T14:50:00.000+08:00

http://video.xin.msn.com/watch/video/channel-u-feature-film-love-in-a-cab/1gqn0emmu

i just watched this local production from online; well xinmsn to be exact. i have always ignored the xinmsn adverts, sometimes finding them very annoying because they keep popping up all over the place. but here you go, one huge reason why i am too stubborn for me own good. (and this theory probably applies to most other parts of my life)

2 nights ago, i was brought, more of pulled, to marina barrage. i had for the first time in my life, an official potato-themed party, a cake, a bunch of awesome friends, a pile of gifts, and cards! we ate like crazy, we laughed like mad, we were noisy like nutcases. and then we went up to the grassy area after all was over.

this time, it looked like marina bay sands suddenly popped out of nowhere. (the last time i went MBS was still in construction i think? god knows why i knew nothing about it though.) so i stood leaning against the railing, staring ahead. there was the marina bay sands with random rooms lighted up, there was the singapore flyers lighting up, there were really beautiful skyscrapers in its background.

and yes, the scenery was amazing. but what was more breathe-taking was what kept appearing and re-appearing in my head -- I AM BLESSED. actually, blessed beyond my realizations.

every blessing i could think of, only led to the next.

i was blessed i am born in Singapore, of all other places.
i was blessed i had not just one friend, but a bunch of them.
and then i was blessed that i not only have a bunch, but more than a bunch.
i was blessed i had a birthday to remember.
i was blessed to have a christmas around the corner.
and then i was blessed that i get to celebrate christmas.
i was blessed i had a scenery to speak of.
i was blessed that while i was scenery-admiring, my parents and other loved ones were resting peacefully back at home; that i was and have always been given that peace of mind to enjoy times.
i was blessed i have a job.
and then i was blessed that i have a stable income, and then blessed that i have a bonus to be excited over.
i was blessed that i have a god to call out to, a god to thank things for.
i was blessed to feel loved, and then i was blessed to be able to love.
i was blessed to be out at 12midnight and know that i could raise an arm or make a call and have a cab drive me home.
i was blessed i wasn't starving or thirsting.
i was blessed i not only had clothes, i had clothes with brandings and qualities.
i was blessed to not only have enough money for myself, but enough to give and love with.

and.. the list really just kept going on.

i am too blessed. so, life's kinda hard. but i am way too blessed. so, life's not so hard actually.

G, use me to reach out to the poor, the less loved, the troubled. do not allow me to make choices in my life that allows my life to go round just myself please.

Help me love deeper, help me give greater, help me embrace tighter, help me smile wider, help me help helpier. :)

2010-12-10T12:49:00.000+08:00

cos' baby tonight, the DJ's got us fallin' in love againnnnnnnnn

been many many months! cannot properly narrate or illustrate everything that's been happening in these months, but below are the few moments, spoken in pictorials; because what better ways really, than to display moments through what's captured in real time.

1. amigos, still a huge part of my life. now we have stopped dreaming of what the future would be like; we have begun the new phase of dreaming what the past would have been like! and as you can see, i am more than glad to know i didn't have a 1960s past! gen and sica are probably feeling the same!

2. proudly introducing our new and official family member - Mohammed Halif's birthday!

3. fulfilling char's thousand-year-long nag about a poolside gathering; celebrating char's 23rd by the pool :)

4. my xiao mao zhang da le!

5. my new and precious friends :)

time is passing too fast, way too fast.

2010-09-23T10:51:00.000+08:00

i am learning to be humble.

i am re-learning to give, to love, to be patient, and to be trying.

i am re-learning about myself.

2010-08-20T01:25:00.000+08:00

Pictures of you.

I miss mum very much; I've been thinking of my family alot.
Time scarily stood still last night when I thought of what it'd or I'd be like losing mum or dad. I have the ability of pre-figuring many things out except for this one.

For now, I just know that my parents are becoming more important to me than they ever have; ironically at the time I no longer need to feed off them or depend on them almost at all anymore.

I need to be doing more than I am now for them.

And then still, for the 1005th time, I wish we could all turn back time and re-do family again.

Hmm.

2010-07-06T03:05:00.000+08:00

when i saw this girl from behind the mrt gantries, i broke out into a huge uncontrollable smile.

she tagged this photo as: we grew up too fast in hasty time.

so much of lost time with you. dawn tan, i'll miss you lorries load.

2010-07-01T14:02:00.002+08:00

Dear G,

thank you for loving me enough to have withheld my promotions, but ensuring that you keep me lifted above that breaking point throughout.

thank you for having shown me so many instances in the past year that's taught me how everything happens and will happen for a reason better and beyond my phantom.

thank you for deciding that you want me to be a better colleague, a better suboardinate and a better person.

thank you for having placed so many amazing, loving and teaching people around me.

dear G, thank you for loving me.
dear G, thank you for taking care of me and thank you for doing so too, through my friends.

thank you for humbling me. i will stay humbled.

yours truely,
faith

Kenangan Terindah~SamsonS

2010-06-28T03:04:00.001+08:00

9B (i have an apparently very wrong impression of what or who makes up 9B; now you know) has always called this the "quarrel and throw phone" song. of cos', only maiyah and shin would understand it. mat rapes would roll on the floor laughing at the way we remember this song.

anyways point is, i finally understand the lyrics. and you know what happens when han falls in love with a piece of music; it'd play 10,114 times on her mp3 over the next week. :)

Having Fun!

2010-06-28T03:01:00.001+08:00

i have finally decided to post this. it will go down as one of the most embarassing videos of me ever, in this lifetime.

but

this video is a glimpse of one of the most amazing trips i've ever had because my brother was there. so if this is only a glimpse, imagine what the entire trip was like for me.

2010-06-28T02:27:00.002+08:00

han:"mum, i left my things at your house."

mum:"isn't my house your house?"

my house is.. at Blk 175, Bishan St 13; where it wasn't all that peaceful, but where me and yang got to stay under the same roof.

my family probably thinks my life doesn't revolve around theirs. well, my worries do. does that count?

wilson will never know that whenever i get my pay, he's the first i want to treat to his favourite food. he will never know that i like japanese food because he likes japanese food. wilson will never know that taking the train everyday from yishun to ttsh will be nothing compared to not living under the same roof as he does; or not waking up to his clothes thrown all over the dining table everyday.

jannica will never understand the depth of my love for her. she will never understand that she's the only woman whose brought me so much heart wrench; she will never know how much i felt like dying when i watched her take up her first job after things fell apart. jannica will never know how thankful i am towards her.

james will never be able to understand my awe and respect for him. james will never realise how much his approval of me and things mean. james will never see all the effort put into going beyond myself for him.

2010-06-25T03:59:00.002+08:00

I LOVE SUGARLOVE NIGHTS!

soooo, i met up with char tonight, finally. after a good 2 months i think. we have never not met for up to 2 months in the past decade okay. so when i say the 2 months felt like forever, i mean the 2 months did feel like forever; or almost forever. i definitely hope forever would feel longer than this because i'd wanna spend more than such short forever with amigos.

okay what am i mumbling about. in short, i would like to spend time with the amigos forever, forever, and forevermore. that's how forever i'd want us to be.

if you know me and char, we're like, a chicken and a duck. we live in absolute harmony belonging to the same pen, but we never ever show outward love. not to each other. but today when i saw char walking to look for me, i ran like a kid towards her. and then when she saw me, she squeaked and ran towards me too. (only part that spoilt this beautiful scene was her halting to a jolting stop - because according to her, i was running so fast and mightily i looked like i was going to run her over -_-") HAVEN'T I ALWAYS BEEN VERY GENTLE WITH YOU CHAR?! HAVE I EVER MANHANDLED YOU?! okay i have. fine. but we ran and hugged in the end anyways.

10 years after the 10 years ago, after at least ten thousand disagreements and not seeing eye to eye, another at least fifteen thousand upslope crawls, after at least 5 gazillion seconds, we still miss each other like crap after not having met in 2 months.

a nice glimpse of forever char, amigos :)

Train - Hey, Soul Sister!

i have noticed how blessed i am, to have you. my coming home to made beds, washed dishes, initially scary-looking checked bedsheet and alot more elses. collide? :)

2010-06-17T11:00:00.003+08:00

its been a week now, since the return from the thai borders.

thai borders trip has changed many things. i will be a better person now; i will be a happier person now; i will be a more contented person now.

had dinner with mum and yang last night. outings with mum are always very enjoyable and hilarious.

laid in bed last night and i couldn't remember the childhood i used to remember. i like what i'm remembering now. 8 years ago i knelt on my room floor asking god why and why me. took awhile, but now i see the plans. maybe, disasters happen so people can appreciate the rainbows. maybe disasters happen because a change is needed.

and then i realised last night that i can no longer term it "growing up". it is now "growing old".

hit me also last night how i can never understand a parent's love. on top of not having been the best and most filial daughter, on top of having been our own circle's most issue-etic daughter since primary 2, i have tied to my ankle another few issues that aren't exactly a parent's favourites.

the way my parents love and support me, blows my mind. i can't ask for a better brother either; he's quite the best already.

i have enough.
i have more than enough.

between wealth; a high paying job and this, i choose this. i choose now.

2010-06-02T20:39:00.005+08:00

one of the teachers whose changed many things.

i can't say my life isn't awesome. it's turned out to be. it always does actually, at some corner, after some turn.

2010-05-13T01:24:00.003+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qb1wlfDh34I

pinkdot spoke so much :)

"i support the freedom to love because i believe in love."

"good love", over and above ordinary love, is what we get when we are "with people who can bring out the best in us."

I AM GOING! :)

2010-05-07T01:02:00.002+08:00

tonight started out great. that is, until now.

tonight is beginning to be very heavy hearted. i feel like i need to talk to someone right now.

but i need to talk to someone who wouldn't find me crazy.

2010-04-29T04:11:00.003+08:00

i hate to admit that at 0411 hrs, i am giddy and nausea, but awake and reading of all people, xiaxue's blog.

i must say, blondes sometimes are dumb, but fake blondes aren't. she is hilarious. here's just ONE of the many instances:

she posted a photo of her super long and bushy blonde head. and talked about an experience on a cab.

I understand that it's the most striking thing about me, but I'm sick to DEATH of being asked the question of "how long does it take to dye it that colour?".

WHY DO PEOPLE CARE HOW LONG IT TAKES??

The answer is about 1 hour, ok? YES, ONLY ONE HOUR!

As I gave increasingly placid answers, his enthusiasm grew and he went on to ask what job I do that allows blonde hair - which is another question I am sincerely sick of answering.

And I thought to myself, "Stupid lao tiko... I don't want to talk to you can?"

Then I realised something. He wasn't flirting with me or hitting on me... He was just being curious, just like any other person!

If the same questions were asked by, say, a friend's mom, I'd just answer (albeit uninterestedly) and not think that much.

If the same questions were asked by someone I like, say J K Rowling, I'd be flattered that she noticed and answer with relish.

If it's asked by Zac Efron I'd invite him to touch my hair. Maybe shove it in his face.

that woman cracks me up.

2010-04-29T02:17:00.002+08:00

a few random things in my head right now. or.. are there always random thoughts going on in there?

well anyways.

i have been feeling pukey all day. and my head spins like someone's shaking my brain when my eyes are closed. and then when they are open, i feel like i've been on a sampan a decade long. i feel floaty.

could it be because of the head-bumping? the bump expanded by the way! and.. its tender! is tender good or bad? because in prostate cancer, tender is good; it means no cancer! but a head isn't a prostate you seeeeee.

you are still as funny as you've always been. your humour has always cracked me up, still is doing so now. and it just occurred to me that you may have genuinely forgotten that i exist anymore. i cannot imagine how much i've hurt you or how bad it felt. i was such an ass. but i never meant it. never did.

i called dawn today. i called dawn just now. she picked up the call, and we spoke. some friendships just always will remain and feel the same; why i cried just seeing you last christmas.

i feel like i will puke in 3 hours time.

when you say the words "mo li hua", does it ever occur to you to be reminded of me because i first called her that?

I UBER LOVE EDWARD SCISSORHAND.

i was google-ing for a 24hr tattoo parlour to have one done tonight.

am i a trauma person, or a follow-up care person? damn.

now the last 3 things on my mind: i am waiting to watch trauma and discuss shitless with you.

should i go get my bump seen?

i miss my mum.

2010-04-28T03:43:00.003+08:00

there was this once natasya very randomly told me during night shift how badly she was itching. and it cracked us both up. since then, my means of greeting her has always been:"kacang, gatal tak!"

i just called the ward:

han: who are you?
nat: natasya.
han: EH KACANG! you're on night?!
nat: eh its you. ya la on night.
han: kacang, gatal tak?!
nat: eh not funny la. active resus now!
han: huh? you serious?! *in utter disbelief because she took THAT long to let me know*
nat: ya la serioussss, really! 49!

it took her that long to let me know i was disturbing. i didn't know to panic or to laugh.

2010-04-26T01:39:00.002+08:00

this is the first time in 3 years of nursing that i've come across an ngt patient looking this cute sitting up in bed, reading the papers. he looks so focused, it looks almost like he's studying for a test tomorrow. really adorable :)

with the many complains and whines that comes with this job, comes sweet softening moments like such; that keeps us going a lil' but more each time.

nostalgia tonight. sentosa, and music.

Augustana - Boston

2010-04-08T08:58:00.003+08:00

i randomly went onto STOMP to check out the post on the NUH nurse caught serving facebook on shift.

you'd think the nurse got cursed. well surprisingly, the one thousand and one curses went to the person who posted that.

i laughed non-stop at this comment replying to some bugger's:

"vhboy12345 is another same type of the person as keny. u mean using computer we cannot handed emergency case ah, that means we should not visit the toilet lor. correct rite, retarded u. and u say NUH nurses should be corncern the patients, have they not cornern, u saw ah, they slack a bit doesn't mean they r not corcern ok. and u want them to keep on walk and walk non stop even they finish their work is it. u better jump down and die la please."

and by the way, how come everyone who comments there has such awesome engrish arh? i was just wondering, why aren't there comments that sound very diplomatic and reasonable huh?

is it human nature to be more critical than appreciative?

aiya all in all, a little affecting to realise nurses always get the attacks. how come only the molesting doctors gets attacked? the bad ones? the rude and nonchalant ones? the shit some of them leave us, goodness.

2010-04-07T03:09:00.003+08:00

maiyah's nursing a cubicle of idiots tonight. it kinda sounds wrong to be calling your patients that, but i really can't agree more after walking in and having watched 5 mere mins of the on-going show.

you've got one whose fallen downstairs before, but apparently once bitten twice doesn't work on everyone. maybe not when the wanting to eat all the time is overpowering. so he is rejecting the pau he has in the fridge, rejecting blend tasting but absolutely healthy and free biscuits and insisting on walking downstairs, possibly falling again, to get food.

and then there's another one whose sitting on the floor beside him, watching and laughing at maiyah's fight with the geurillas.

and then you have this other one whose irritated with the whole world because he has insomnia. he is looking pissed and starey, and has his nasal prongs up on his head.

and then one whose confused and attempting to get out of bed to join the other crazy few; who are more sane yet crazier than the confused one is.

and then the last idiot who has barely any needs but is the loudest, and most slipper-slap deserving. he rushes you and yells at the top if his voice (of which i believe is only his minimal) that you should hurry and get the pau no.1 wants. then he yells about why no. 2 is being restrained. and then his voice irritates the hell out of no. 3 and no. 3 looks like he's about to kill.

so i just watched maiyah go confront the last idiot asking him if he loves fanning the flame that much. she said it in malay and coupled it with the action of a nonya lady fanning the stove fire. she begged him to please stop the fanning. it was hilarious.

and so the point to my post.

2010-04-05T01:58:00.002+08:00

and so.. finally.

finally, finally.

when the ancestors came up with 'du ri ru nian', were they waiting for the days it took to harvest their crops, or were they addressing matters of heart?

same same? no, no same.

2010-04-05T01:18:00.002+08:00

just very randomly,

i prefer ROFL to LMAO because that would be what i'd literally do when something cracks me up real bad. i'd fall off the chair and roll around laughing.

laughing my ass off on the other hand feels like a still explodey laughter, too still, i will die doing that. you know my cousins even ask for me to send recordings of my laughter to them just so they can have a few good chuckles.

oh okayyyy. so i'm actually the LOL kind! lolssss. this is getting nowhere. one of my crappiest posts; to distract myself from feeling hungry.

i have been eating like an elephant. okay, maybe that's the whole point. i needed to rant that i have been eating like a bear.

2010-03-28T03:34:00.001+08:00

"Don't wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don't. In face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that make us hold it together."

"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say.

I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day.

Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying. "

2010-03-28T03:11:00.003+08:00

it is always at such hours that thoughts deepens. -shrugs- maybe its cos' its quieter.

i was waiting for someone finish pee-ing just now, and found my eyes locked on the newest admission. she was finally not groaning anymore, but her head was bowed down to her chest, her fingers really dry and boney, her breathing looking more like panting.

i remember there was this big flash in my head that kept repeating:"her time is up."

what does it feel like when your time is finally up?
when you're uncommunicative and semi-unconcious, do you still know it like those alert but weak ones who tell about it?
what's in your head when you are that close to that warm white light?
what are the last concerns of a scrawny and weak ah ma like that?

or,

would i be walking into that white light in the same state some 40 or 50 years later?
what would my concerns then be?
what would my last few flashes and mental videos be?

i re-read some of my posts. and i came across one that talked about that young patient with the brain tumour. it hit me then that when you become that bedridden and uncommunicative, the only time you sound like yourself is when you cough.

and the only time this ah ma sounds like herself, is when she was groaning so badly. her sats have been fluctuating, so i cannot administer any morphine. when she groans lesser, i wonder if:
1. she is in less pain already
2. she is beginning to let go of the fight already.

at this point, what makes her want to put up the fight against the white light?

Dear God,
how are our deaths decided?

2010-03-23T22:23:00.007+08:00

the above photos are all related and very nostalgic.

ying's birthday brought the five generations of seniors and juniors together. simple steamboat spoke ten thousand words about the friendship.

and i have to introduce this girl called: yali.

i ask her read book, she really read the book. can even quote from inside the book, very guai. these people from the above, made my day. actually, my week.

2010-03-22T02:11:00.000+08:00

han says:

goodnight yali
oh btw
our lungs have little breathing air sacs called alveoli.
they're the sacs that stores air, and then transfers it to our blood.
they're being blown up nice and puffy when there's oxygen. but they're by nature very very elastically materialled.
if allowed to collapse, they will snap like a rubberband, and stick to each other and then become extremely hard to inflate again.
the whole idea is, to keep them even the slightestly inflated so at the very least they wont snap and stick. because then if it snaps, you risk not being able to inflate it ever again.

DROWNING, BUT WAVING.

2010-03-22T01:41:00.002+08:00

by the way, we won.

but that's not the point at all. the point is, that:

1) we are still able to do it, apparently forgotten so
2) we will continue to do it now that we've done it again
3) it will never be the same again for us.

the sheep has turned into a lion, and the lion has roared.

i have been told that i have been having very disturbed sleeps. bouts of jerking upright in the middle of the night, grinding my teeth (i must have been dreaming of fist-throwing at that few people) breathing in distress, palpitations and yada yada weird sleeping habits i never had.

i must have had many things on my mind. i have been so lacking in rest that i keep palpitating and feeling fatigue.

journal club's been good. case study presentation's been good. competition's been good.

been all worthwhile? YES.

so good night now, its finally my time to recognise my body's needs.

2010-03-15T02:52:00.002+08:00

i just stumbled across this amazing blog, with superb english. and... it is a man's. HAHAHA.

if come 2020 and you receive wedding invitations from me, you will know then that miss koh here has found a 'ham-some' man who writes/expresses with mind-blowing english. these are the only kind of men who will make me stop in my tracks a lil'. then again, such men wouldn't want wives who complain it being too stuffy and hot when their hair reaches just past their ears.

so here's what i loved and ripped from the blog:

I posed the question: “Can one person change the world?”

The answer was: “For evil, yes it’s easier; for good, no it’s hard.”

The rationale was: “If you throw a pebble into water, ten thousand others throw it with you; if you pick up a pebble, you have to pick up ten thousand others yourself.”

can i please try to be that one person for my world?

2010-03-10T03:56:00.002+08:00

with this picture comes a chain of names, memories of incidents, songs, and moments.

Sometimes i feel like i need to be given a chance to turn back time; to re-do so many of the things i have done wrongly. to re-make all the many wrong decisions i've made.

2010-03-10T02:18:00.002+08:00

mr. softee dropped me a text this morning while i was still in bed that he was sent to A.H, for chest pains.

then it came to me very clearly and scarily that if i were to one day suddenly realise a loss of mr. softee, i would... not be able to live.

i refer to mr. softee always as the man of my life. the only man actually, of my life. my dad, would be the OLD man of my life. hurhur.

i don't always feel very extreme overwhelming love for him, but i love him more than the times i curse him under my breath or out loud. i do love him more than i love myself. and from a very young age, he's had this power over me; that makes me willing to do anything for him. things i would complain doing for others, i wouldn't if he only just asked or mentioned.

everything cut short, i realised today that if i did really lose my mr. softee, i would really feel like dying.

2010-03-10T01:49:00.000+08:00

some songs are very nostalgic.

2010-03-08T03:54:00.003+08:00

if koh yuhan does not do as well in nursing as she hopes to eventually, she could very well fall back on becoming the much loved inventor of:

1) IV caffeine
2) IV chocolate
3) assignment-less education :))))

and till that day arrives, i might as well just shut up and continue with the assignments la.

2010-02-19T01:53:00.002+08:00

i have been couched, watching jaime oliver and nigella cook. and then at the same time trying to come up with the menu for tomorrow. i am as of now, emailing myself recipes i have decided for tomorrow, ingredients i'll need, and plans on plating them. what, i think i forgot my last name's koh, bukan oliver.

anyways, new year passed quite just like that. its almost as if it never came; went by without even arriving.

some things got clearer this new year.
some things grew surer.

if god could first give us lessons, then make things happen, many things wouldn't have happened the same ways ain't it? then again, until and unless something happens, lessons don't become lessons to us.

will a lost friend still remember me 5 years down the road?
or would i be allowed to retrace the footsteps and re-do all i've done?

The Man Who Can't Be Moved.

2010-02-08T04:28:00.002+08:00

been such a long while.

i am sitting beside gu ma now, watching her very amazingly (to me), building herself some kind of QQ garden. watering plants and all. i mean, we're talking about gu ma here. and we all thought she was boring and tech-noob.

i have been wondering about my existence. why i'm here, and what exactly am i supposed to be doing. are my dreams where i really should be heading.

in short, there's this whirlwind of thoughts going through my head. i've stopped being able to express properly.

2010-01-15T05:56:00.001+08:00

there's something that i feel tonight.

when a vegetable, the only time you sound like your old self, is when you cough.

how many things we're taking for granted everyday.
how ignorant we've always been and will be, until.

2009-12-18T17:31:00.002+08:00

sometimes, circumstances makes it so that you learn and condition yourself to not need, or want something.

i have learnt so much over the past 5 years. i wonder what god's thinking looking down at me and how i've chosen to walk the roads. mmm.

2009-12-18T17:24:00.002+08:00

AMIIIIIGOOOOOSSSS!

we'll be dancing to new music and singing to old songs still at 50!

while there definitely are dreadful things about growing up and old, friends like these, old bonds like these makes it beautiful.

2009-12-16T12:47:00.002+08:00

time.

i think a huge something that becomes and will become many solutions to our many problems, is time.

like, if i had 28 hours a day instead of 24.
or if i could turn back time.
or, if i could just wait for time to pass.
or, if i could just wait for the right time to come.

you crave a chocolate cheesecake, but you musn't even go anywhere near the shop that sells it. because steering clear will make sure you really stay thin and dieting. heh.

Kris Allen - To Make You Feel My Love

2009-11-23T01:19:00.002+08:00

mr. softee and i have:

1. not been seeing each other alot
2. been facing some kind of silent communication breakdown
3. become distant

this is probably one of the reasons that weighs about.. 50% of why i cried my eyes out days before he enlisted. maybe because in some secret corner of my heart, i already saw this coming. i knew it'd be this way.

i could scale the Berlin wall for sure, i am not afraid of the climb; or the sweat and tears that may follow it. but if each step i take up the wall, someone elses lays another layer of brick across it, how am i to ever get over it?

let me over please? let me reach you.

Lily Allen - Who'd Have Known

2009-11-15T01:40:00.003+08:00

the only boy han will hold this way :)

my mr. softee :)

my boy signed a 'twist'. he rubbed the corny-ness off the other 2.

i would go to Mars for him. for what i don't know. but i will anyways.

2009-11-15T00:44:00.002+08:00

journey VS product.

today i finally met up with char. roasted honey chicken by the pool side, on a windy saturday night, with a decade-long best friend.

it calms my heart, it calms all kinds of waves and storms whenever i meet up with these lao peng yous. and even when you are already feeling very calm to begin with, seeing them and being around them still is able to calm the calmness further. how's that to be explained? mmm. the embrace and comfort an old friend brings :)

tonight, we talked about the journey; the searching and the finding; the champagne and the water. and tonight, we rekindled once again the awesomeness of being able to be so comfortable around each other that silence becomes beautiful and connecting.

teoh lee neo taught me with her semi-sound and unsound mind that: love is a many splendid thing.

char, i love you.
amigos, i love you.

how love drives.

Richard Marx & Donna Lewis - At The Beginning

2009-10-27T03:34:00.002+08:00

amazing what music can do to one's soul.

i am listening to this very light-hearted sounding piece of song now and it kinda makes me feel like i am bouncing from cloud to cloud. but am i most light hearted now? no.

therefore music was used as a propaganda tool. now i understand why.

i think i miss writing. i am someone better at expressions through writing. i can sound all good and smooth in my writings but when i try to do them out loud, i stutter and shiver like hell. and when i write, i write better in the dark. and according to my topic, i pick the song to be on loop until i finish the piece.

so.... i am emotions-driven. absolutely not task-driven. i am passion and interest orientated, nowhere near being task orientated.

maybe if i had to find something to depict me, it would be.. water. maybe a jug or puddle of water. plain as i may be left alone, useless as i may be left on the floor, i can be versatile and decide to take the shape of another container or angle when being asked to.

these are random thoughts. because tonight, i am feeling transparent.

nursing, and me.

Lenka - The Show

2009-10-20T02:15:00.002+08:00

yang's enlisting.
the couple i've known for 3 year's breaking up.
yan's turning 21.
boy's training to be a national player.
wei's starting and ending her O's.
i've stopped smoking.
someone i know is drinking much lesser.
shin has gone off to study.
wens has gone off to renal unit.
christmas is coming. (i thought christmas last year was just a while ago?)
mum needs surgery.
nat bought a car.
my tattoo has finally healed fully.
someone i know was promoted.
someone i know may be crying very badly tonight.
someone i know is sleeping soundly tonight.
i will sleep soundly tonight.
i hope someone i know calls me when her heart breaks.
project HOPE.

every above statement represents a person or a thought i have in mind.

much has changed. much have been learnt.

dear shin,
if you remember, i have / had a friend called yuhui. and i lost her, and have been regretting losing her from the day i realised it happened. and to me, you're like a second yuhui. if you know how much yuhui meant to me, and how much i appreciate her, you'll know what i am trying to tell you. i remind myself all the time to never make the same mistake of losing someone like you again.
jiayou at school, we're all behind you. study together? sure thing :)

Aerosmith - I Don't Want To Miss A Thing
"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing,
Watch you smile while you are sleeping."

2009-09-22T04:07:00.004+08:00

yan has a good friend, who along with the years has become a best friend.

she is an indon, did her tertiary studies in SG, will now head over to U.S, and then back to indon; just never back here again.

it sounded so familiar when she talked about that friend.

i have a best friend, whose been with me since 13. in fact she was the first proper friend i made back in sec 1. did i know we were going to become this inseparable? no. but this friendship has become one of the reasons why i need to thank god everyday; the beautiful things like such.

its been 5 years she's gone over. and i have been imagining on a weekly basis for the past year, sica appearing suddenly at the entrance of 9B, or me appearing suddenly at her doorstep. makes my heart beat faster just imaginating.

the one thing i/we have come to realise and accept, is how she may end up anywhere between indo to U.S, just never back here. and i asked just 2 days ago: how i would be able/have to live the rest of my life being apart from her.

This, is how we hang out with each other. And this will be it for maybe, the rest of our lives.

sometimes i close my eyes, and picture her hugs. sometimes, i close my eyes and allow myself to fall into that self made-up comfort zone. the last hug i remember, we were 16. that one hug i always close my eyes to, was when we were 14. and i miss her everyday.

the oceans in between, has only deepened everything we share.

please don't make me fly 48 hours just to see you once every 2 years when i reach 65. deep vein thrombosis sics. by then, we'll need to come up with a better alternative, like for eg. meet at the transits.

you have a biiiiiiiig heart. follow whatever's louder. :)

i love you deep deeeeeep.

2009-09-14T14:52:00.002+08:00

char: hi han! i am having my lunch break now, but i'm calling to check on how you are.

han: i'm better today, but maybe from the bingeing yesterday i have lost appetite today plus diarrhea.

char: oh dear. when can you be released?

han: char, i am not in prison.

2009-09-14T13:11:00.002+08:00

its been crazy. crazy yet.. really really warming.

the few things i've learnt and thought about alot lying in bed harvesting my potential bedsores:

1. 72 hours of rest and leisure is good, 72 hours of fasting no doubt with rest and leisure is very otherwise.
2. sometimes you see clearer in the dark; because when its deem, the torches shine brighter.
3. i will off the iv plug of my patients once i detect redness or pain in future.
4. blood is thick. thicker than water, yes.
5. and well anyways, i am walking out of here a better nurse.
6. the joy and warmth that fills the air when everyone you love are sitting around each other laughing their asses off at things.
7. and.. the comfort music and lyrics brings.

9B is my pseudo family, no matter how much some of it sucks :)

2009-09-11T14:02:00.002+08:00

few things on my mind now.

howie day's collide;

and:

jack's place cheese cake
da mai from food court
bread pudding from fullerton
han's beef hor fun
banana cake; ka ling's home-baked banana muffins sitting by the bed
serangoon central mee pok
vitasoy
crispy noodle snack
peanut butter sandwich
cereal with fresh milk
DIGESTIVE BISCUITS thats been on my mind since last night
nature valley's nutrient bars thats also been on my mind since last night

i could chew on a carpet now.

Can i have this dance.

2009-09-11T13:47:00.003+08:00

nat just sent me an email titled: "The boxes that you can eat after you finish the chocolates."

I
AM
OFFICIALLY
CRAVING
FOR
CHOCOLATES.

i was supposed to have club sandwich for breakfast,
kway chap for lunch,
and seafood horfun for dinner.

pui. :(

2009-09-03T10:55:00.000+08:00

happy birthday dear girl :)

thank you :)

2 kings 2:2

2009-09-03T10:44:00.004+08:00

i need to do this before i crash into bed to rest.

i randomly went onto youtube to search for some of our old amigos videos.

i found the kuantan ones, i found the batam one, i found the cairnhill rolling down the slope in town one, i found the crazy late night out chopping char's butt one.

i have been having this thing in my head for many many months now:
what would i be without you.
what would become of me without you.

and it keeps getting clearer and only clearer.

nat, you texted one of the most beautiful texts ever. you said that each year that pasts, you only just feel luckier because every year, you still have us.

it just keeps getting better. this will just keep getting better :)

and now before i get some rest,

my head is saying: music and lyrics.

2009-09-01T01:24:00.000+08:00

2009-08-28T03:51:00.002+08:00

and uncle lou, i thought of you tonight. many things about you;

the nights i pulled my chair up beside your bed to just watch you snooze and fall to your side.
the mornings i rushed down to get you surprise treats for breakfast.
the time, the first time i shaved your stubs.
the time you returned from icu, with half your head shaven and an ngt in you. how we crowded around one by one to make sure you're fine.
the crazy times i wet and styled your hair.
the first time we fought over your non-compliance to your meds.
the first time you softened and started listening.
endless amounts of things we did together, i didn't even realise.

and then now i'm thinking:
did you see him, uncle lou?

2009-08-28T03:26:00.002+08:00

it is raining, yet again. this time god has sent more than just rain. he is whipping up a storm outside of these walls. and i'm loving it :) though, kinda shivering a lil' from it too. heh.

tonight's song isn't that of last night's. there is this part of it that keeps singing and re-singing in my head.

i have a plant.
a cactus plant.
books say that watering a cactus plant does help in its growth; no doubt it could very well live without any.
i am doing just that.

let me. because this is my cactus plant.

on a lighter and heavier note, i miss amigos and sica so much!

i actually missed sica so much today i nearly cried thinking of her. if there's any friend who can miss the other so much so she finds the need to see her immediately; and if this happens every once in a while faster than your garden flowers' blooming, then this is the friend whom you'll want with you when old, ugly and senile.

so here here, amigos and sics. i take your hands, you take mine :)

and here, i hold your hand, you hold mine.

2009-08-27T02:44:00.002+08:00

today was dinner with mummy and mummy's best friend. who also is the very heard-of godma.

mum decided to spend her birthday with godma. and they both decided to spend it remembering their other best friend; who really really broke their hearts bad when she lost herself to cancer. they did things that reminded them of her. they ate things that reminded them of her.

godma was casually remarking on how mum ran out of numbers for 4D. while scavaging for numbers, she shaded the number: 40. godma thought that was really random and abrupt. and then only found out from mum later that this year, 09', is the 40th year they've been friends with each other.

some kinda warmth rose in me.

my life's not all a bed of roses, beautiful and picture-perfect. i have tonnes of reasons too to think that there aren't any roses in my lifetime worth stopping to smell. yet its these things that i see, these little things, that convinces me to always suck in my breath, tuck in my chest, walk on and smell the roses anyways.

i have one song that keeps playing in my head tonight.
and, its raining again tonight :)

2009-08-16T08:36:00.001+08:00

"One, 21 guns,
Let down your arms,
Give up the fight."

I've been leaving greenday's 21 guns on loop for 2 nights now.

I need to return to bromo, or some mountain.

Okay, I'm pretty empty now cept one thought: live and let live. I will wake up and face whatever that I may face.

Oh no. I do have another thought. I'm sitting at the taxi stand now wondering if my father is driving down from Kuala Lumpur. YAWN.

2009-08-16T04:53:00.001+08:00

and so, i rest my case.

2009-08-14T16:06:00.002+08:00

when i lay in bed and close my eyes, a surge of feelings and images comes into mind.

music, lyrics, and you.

Timmy Thomas - Dying Inside To Hold You.

2009-08-14T15:47:00.002+08:00

amigos.

i was telling a friend today about my amigos. i don't ever script things about amigos, or do pre-write ups and pre-think ups about them. everything about them, kinda just spills from whatever that we've had in the past decade;

i said, that i could be in the eye of a storm, the eye of an earthquake yet feel absolutely safe and protected as long as they're around.

i said, when i am messed up, all i have to do is spend time with them, and i come back to earth feeling all at peace.

sends me feeling all lost and empty when some/part of them are overseas and not in town.

said, they're the ones i want to spend the rest of my life with; they're the ones i want to build my life around.

and as for sica whose oceans and lands away, we love no less, we miss no less. i tell her almost everyday that i miss her. i think of her voice, her moronic laughters, and her smiles everyday. once in a while, i'd stare and zone out, imagining her appearing at work or outside my house one day. i'd picture myself screaming and going crazy. in these times, i feel the literal elation and begin to miss her like crazy.

and then sometimes i'd picture me one day surprising her outside her Seattle doorstep, or have her come outta school and see me standing leaning against her car (wouldn't be difficult to find her car i guess, must be the most scarred or tattered looking one considering she knocks into things and drives against traffic so very often; or maybe just look for the one that has the most booze and 'untrimmed grass' in there. haha) i'd stand imagining her shout, her crazy run-dance to me, her monstrous embrace, the warmth from just seeing her face alone. and then it'd drive me mad missing her all over again.

beautiful, is this. beautiful, is them. beautiful, is the rest of my life trotting alongside my amigos.

2009-08-14T02:07:00.000+08:00

Faith koh yu han.

This has been me for 6 years now.

Little did I know that the day you decided to name me faith, would be the day that every perspective in me would change.

Today, many things are different. Many things have changed.

someday when you decide to look back, someday when you feel ready to look around, I'll still be THAT faith koh yu han.

As The Deer.

2009-08-12T14:27:00.000+08:00

This is not my fight. I need to handover.

"The smell on your skin lingers on me now,
you're probably on your flight back to your hometown.
I need some shelter for my own protection baby,
And be with myself, and centre, clarity, peace, serenity."

"Like a little school mate in the school yard,
We'll play jacks and uno cards.
I'll be your best friend, and you'll be my, valentine.
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to.
Cos' I wanna hold yours too.
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our, secret worlds."

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses his blanket. But this is not my fight.

Ciao ciao.

2009-08-07T10:47:00.000+08:00

I have been irregularly sleeping in peace (if anyone's even described sleeplessness this way before)

There is this calmness, this.. Realness, this quietness about it. Not a very crazy, unrest, headless affair. And I actually like it calm. I like how calmly whirldwinds are circling
My head. Makes it real. Makes it.. Painstaking, but amazing.

Jesse Mcartney - Just So You Know

2009-08-02T01:16:00.000+08:00

How are you doing? I hope your son will grow up knowing you were a great man. I hope you know you left me a legacy and strength.

Bro just got home from work. He asked to go for a spin together. He said:"let's go pick char up, and then take her for a ride."

For that to have come from him, meant so much to me :)

The Last Goodnight - Pictures Of You

2009-07-28T06:36:00.000+08:00

Yang drove me out last night.
Yang drove me out last night.
Yang called me the moment he passed :)))

He'll never know how much I love him, and how proud I am to have him as my brother.

2009-07-28T02:02:00.000+08:00

Mariah carey - Bye Bye
Travis - closer
Katy perry - hot 'n' cold
Third day - god of wonders
Cao ge - superwoman
S.E.N.S - wish

The few things and people on my mind tonight.

2009-07-27T01:53:00.000+08:00

And tonight, I'll remember you when I'm asleep.

2009-07-25T20:30:00.001+08:00

i am not a go-getter by nature.

*SCREAMS AND PULLS HAIR*

2009-07-24T12:52:00.000+08:00

I feel alone today, in a very peaceful way. Thoughts are still whirling in my head. But I am feeling this quiet peace amidst all the whirling.

I thought of the amigos today. I miss them so much. Sics msged about what she was doing over at the other end of the world :)

Amigos keeps my songs going. They keep the music in me playing. They keep my gloomiest sun shining. :)

Aifang, speak to me, please. Because if I'll have to continue walking in years to come without you in the picture, it'd suck. Very much.

Shin, I found out yesterday night that I do love you very much.

You, be in less pain today.

2009-07-23T01:54:00.000+08:00

We gave each other the closest, tightest hug tonight. In fact, the longest too.

2 years ago, at a dietician's talk during orientation, I was loosing my concentration. I began drawing faces. Then I turned around, I asked her to tell me the features of her dream guy. I cheekily told her I'd draw her, her dream guy.
She laughed, we laughed like hell about it. How cheesy; the thought of me drawing up her dream boy. We did it anyways. She went on describing his nose, his lips, his hair, his piercings. When I finally finished the piece, she kept it. She said:"I have a good friend. Ifraq. And I miss him."

There is a doctor, who is gentle spirited and good hearted. He was the only one who didn't think that I was absolutely nuts and out of my mind to think of putting myself on the kidney live donor's list. Tonight, I hope he is resting soundly and painlessly.

I am praying for you, and you.

Tonight, I look around me, and know that every issue I have, is really small.

Tonight, I hope that I will learn to never take anyone for granted ever again.

2009-07-21T20:39:00.000+08:00

I did a few things today;

Work, sleep, read, think.

Ok, and take care of my brother.

-----------------------------

The first day I arrived at bromo, I was still feeling all messed up. I was still holding onto the million things that went on in that past week.
Then seeing bromo just blew my mind and threw me off my feet. And I remember the last time I felt this way, was 2 deepavalis ago.
bromo changed everything though. It was so awesome and beautiful it got me so sure that nothing wrong could go too wrong. Or nothing uncertain could go too uncertainm.
We slept, woke up and stared at the stars, marvelled at nature and god, sang, slept again. Woke up and drooled at the volcano, ate, rested. Went out and fitted at the sight of the awesome mountains and valleys.

Okay I just miss the getaway. Did me wonders.

There are many faces in my head right now.

2009-07-20T03:59:00.000+08:00

There's this feeling that's been in my head all day. Mmm.

Closures and new beginnings.

2009-07-20T03:55:00.000+08:00

I went to indo and I kept thinking of you.

Now -'m watching a documentary on starbucks, finding out that its headquarters' over at Seattle. And its making me miss you very much again.

Yessica andiputri hartono, I will never be able to handle life without you :))

2009-07-11T04:33:00.002+08:00

tonight i was reminded about meeting people who make me feel enough to step out of my comfort zones.

there are a few of such people i've met; but i met my first proper one.

there are a few people i'm thinking of tonight. all so far away.

2009-07-07T02:18:00.003+08:00

by right, this shaving is in support of the kids with cancer. by left, it is in support of you.

i have been praying for you everyday; i hope strength and renewal gets added onto you every day.

****

i have been looking high and low, inside and out for the old school techno "In My Mind" for years now. as much as i hate techno music, that song reminds me very much of this girl :)

knew her when she was a little girl, and little girl has grown into a very fine and mature young lady.

know that i'll always be here; all ready to buy you your next paddle again, or cycling tights, or be in a mascot at your marathons.

its been 7 years :)

****

"Love is what's left when being in love is gone, okay? It's when you care about someone and you hope they're happy, but you're not under any illusions about them. Maybe that kind of love is not exciting and passionate and all those things that fade with time. All those things that you're so keen on. But in the end its the only kind of love that really matters."

2009-07-07T00:10:00.004+08:00

In Singapore, about 120 new cases of childhood cancer are reported every year.

These children, half of them under the age of 5, have to battle intense pain, a rigorous treatment regime and for some, the trauma of undergoing an amputation. Besides the physical pain and depression caused by cancer, young patients often feel isolated because of the withdrawal from school. Cancer is a debilitating disease that takes its toll, physically, emotionally and mentally, not only on the child but also on his or her family. Parents are often in a state of confusion, anxiety and helplessness when they are suddenly faced with the uncertainty of their child's future.

Children's Cancer Foundation is organizing an annual event "Hair For Hope" where members of the public are encouraged to sacrifice their hair to bring hope to children with cancer. The shaving of heads represents each child's ordeal and fight against cancer. Through this symbolic gesture, CCF aims to achieve the following objective:

1. Create awareness of childhood cancer in Singapore

2. Demonstrate to children with cancer and their families that they are not alone in their fight against cancer

3. Boost self-esteem of children with hair loss by sending the message that there is nothing wrong with losing their hair and being bald

4. Raise funds to help these children and their families

5. Build a community of support for these children and their families

so dear friends and whoever who sees this,

i have shaved my head! and if this is the most i can do for these children, then i really wanna make the best of it. i am asking for donations which will entirely go to CCF which is a non-profit organisation.

any amount is good even if its 20cents, if thats all you've got, that's more than enough :) its always a blessing to bless others :) thank you thank you! :D

2009-06-26T02:57:00.001+08:00

"Wednesday, June 20th, 2007:

looked through photos. i just realised that the most parts of my memories are formed by pictures, images and moments. for every stage of life since years ago, you've always been around. from one length of hair to the other, one style of hair to the other. every new haircut or hair length has a picture taken with you. but not at this stage. this haircut will miss a picture with you, this stage of my life doesnt have the luxury of having you.i'm cutting my hair soon. it just needs some new styling. and i'm hoping in the next stage of my life, you'll re-appear again. somehow. some.. unbelievably how."

its been many multiple stages. you will never re-appear, some.. unbelievably how.

2009-06-26T02:36:00.003+08:00

there is this post of a picture of my confirmation letter from Nursing Services.

part of it says:"you have successfully completed your probation period. As of jan 08', you are confirmed of your position as Staff Nurse II."

and then below it i wrote:"all i've alway's wanted."

whatever that doesn't kill you, just makes you stronger. and then, what if you decide that its taking too much to be that "stronger". so do you let it kill you or do you just stop, stone and remain status quo? 10 shots may not kill, but periodic shots that amounts later on to hundreds of shots, will it?

so, where am i.

god, what were you thinking that night. and when will you reveal what you were thinking. you knew it was going to crush me. what did you have in mind that told you it was okay to crush me. show me now or soon. because.. i think i am growing tired and very weary.

2009-06-26T02:02:00.002+08:00

first of all, sics, i miss you.

i don't know what i have become. i don't know what i've allowed myself to become. if there was a name i could give to whatever that's going on in my head, it'd probably be 'Hurricane Katrina'.

after all that's happened over the past 2 days, you pointed out in front of everyone today that i had passion in nursing, that i could submit a write-up about that.

i am not agressive. all agression and angst, i channel to myself. i don't like blaming others. i can find myself one thousand reasons to stand up for someone who just bullied me. i found myself at least 10 reasons what good there was to have lost my wallet. i have at least 50 reasons why my parents had to split. i can always find something to speak up for the people who take advantage of me. in my quiet mentals, i even speak up to myself for mahaes and everyone elses who picks on me.

i am still speaking up for people, situations, circumstances. but that positivity and shine that used to generate from within me, i lost grasp of it. maybe this is the emptiness i have been trying to explain.

i have always been some rusty and dusted can. my teacher said literally that i was a dusty, unnpolished gem that didn't shine. but there's always been something in me that pushes, that defines, that makes me light up from within. some kind of passion, conviction, sureness. some kind of believe that i wouldn't allow anyone to smash.

its gone now. for a proper once, i no longer know my directions. i have been trying to get a grip of myself in the past months. i keep saying to anyone who looks at me with pity that i am the 'da bu si de zhang lang; the undying cockroach'.

but if each time i'm near finding that shine and direction, something comes and throws me off track, i'll never get there. because i'm a loser. someday, i will give up trying to get anywhere.

i read past posts. i read many many many past posts. where am i.

lastly, i need you sics. yet if you were here, maybe you'd be shut out still.

2009-06-04T16:45:00.002+08:00

i spent all day, and all night, on the guitar.

besides realising how badly i want an acoustic guitar,

i have also realised how music calms everything whirling around inside me.

There are more things that i don't say, than say.

2009-06-03T03:19:00.002+08:00

me, ni and ying, we squashed ourselves in a single sized mattress, all night.

waking up and travelling out together reminded me very much of the olden camping times.

it really isn't that much about the agenda, more who you're doing the things with.

2009-06-03T03:12:00.003+08:00

i have never slept this long after any night shifts. i think i slept close to 8 hours today; i must be this god-damned tired.

tonight's a pretty heavy-hearted night. tonight i learnt that sometimes, you gotta break the norm, follow your heart, and do what your heart knows is right. doesn't really matter how the rest of the world sees you. or maybe, just screw what they say.

i've stopped talking. i've got lots, lots of thoughts running through my head.

>> having said that, you don't know me well enough. someday.

2009-05-23T02:50:00.002+08:00

"religion, is flawed. but only because it is made up of imperfect Man."

i thought i had one of the most random yet best nights with my brother and cousin last night. i think its awe-ing and amazing, t0 at 22, 21 and 19, be discovering how we have grown to know the songs of each other's hearts.

we don't disagree, because we make sure we listen to each other. we hardly ever need to disagree, because more often than not we're harbouring the same silent thoughts. i can be sharing the weirdest-sounding idea yet have it seen as beautiful all because they know me so well; they know what defines me.

dad used to talk about how blood is thicker than water. i thought it was crap. i don't think i absorbed very much of that; friends are a very staple part of my life.

but last night, maybe over the past months, i have become someone who believes very much in the power of blood being thicker than water. they allow me to be me. they genuinely without a doubtly embrace everything about me. i can disappoint them a thousand times and they'll never turn and walk away from me.

someday soon, the skies will clear.

2009-05-08T02:37:00.002+08:00

i deleted things tonight. i had 415 inbox messages.

for a proper once, i really don't know what is it that i am feeling.

i don't know where to go. i don't know where i am going.

2009-04-23T02:54:00.002+08:00

if home's where you feel yourself and can be yourself, home's where they are.

its almost 3am, and i am tired. but i need to talk about them before i close my day;

i labelled them the people whom you feel most beautiful doing the sillest and most awful things around. tonight, it happened again.

it isn't chemistry. it isn't telepathy. i don't even know what's it called.

its how when you walk away silently and again return silently, they don't ask a thing. they know where you've been, what you've done. they don't have to ask.
it's how when you're telling them something while gulping down mouthfuls of saliva and stuttering, all they do is give that "i know, han." nod, which in that moment means the world to you.
its how when everything around is turbulent, yet calm and peaceful as ever when they're around you.
its how after parting with them, you don't need music on your walk home anymore.
its how you can sit around them, and literally without a doubtly know that they embrace your every bone.
its how, you can have been feeling like you can't go on anymore for the past weeks, yet see them from afar and instantly feel like you can go on from now on.

its how, year after year after years, you can tell different people the same thing; that they're the ones who ground you; that they're part of what defines you; that they're part of what brought you thus far.

its how when you think of them, you can never bring yourself to say that you have nothing, as bare, and stripped, and somethingless as you may be feeling.

some kind of most unspoken, but sure promise.

2009-04-19T14:19:00.004+08:00

i have to post this:

han: errr its malay table. but whatever lar. you're sitting with us anyway. need to dress up hor! we're all dressing up!

peggy: what are you dressing as?

han: i am thinking of the hulk. jasmine wants cat woman.

peggy: hmmm... then i dress as garden fairy lor. anyway i'm so angel....

:"HELLO HELLO ARE YOU OKAY? HELP CALL AMBULANCE 995!"

i don't remember in my deepest deepest memories since childhood times that garden fairies were either heroes or villains. -_-"

han: OMG. kill me peggy. why don't you dress as robin hood. more suitable la.

peggy: thanks for the suggestion. i think 'xiao long nu' suit me better!

LOLS.

shin just asked me if i want to try dressing up as sailor moon. she needs phenytoin i think.